So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
