Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I got inside last night via doggy door
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
