Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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