as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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