I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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