Apparently you make a good broom.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
