I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Mom said you looked used
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
