Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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