did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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