he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
