I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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