ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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