I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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