happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
