She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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