i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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