So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
