there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
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woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
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Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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