you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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