Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
