Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
