Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
