If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
