he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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