just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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