paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We have started to decorate penises.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
