Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
