woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
