I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My cat gives me a boner
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
