mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I still have a little drunk in my system
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
