I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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