is your mom at the bar?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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