How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
if only i could text you this smell
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
