My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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