Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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