You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
