Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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