can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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