Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
