Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
