my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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