using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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