bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize