Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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