i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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