He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
