i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
if only i could text you this smell
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
