there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
