I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
