I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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