I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize