I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
