My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
