A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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