going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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